On this, the anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy, I feel it is my responsibility to update everyone on the prospect of the assassination of Barack Obama. I’m referring, of course, to character assassination by way of Internet. Although, let’s face it, character assassination is to Barack Obama like physical assassination is to a JFK mannequin. There’s not much there to be assassinated, and about as much brains at risk of splattering.

Now that I’ve squeezed in a sufficient number of appropriate keywords to be placed on an FBI watch list, let me proceed. (But first: I just noticed that the term the FBI uses when a parent kidnaps his or her child is “parental kidnapping”. What do they call it when a child kidnaps a parent? It’s theoretically possible, so what’s the correct terminology? I bet this would be way too much of a pain in the ass to communicate over a walkie-talkie.)

I think we’re ready to move on: we’ve got “assassinate”, “Barack Obama”, “brains”, “kidnapping”. That should do it. No, wait, there’s “plan”, “kill”, “gun”, “rifle”, “weapons”, and “inauguration”. I’ll pass on the racist terminology, even though I think it would help. Ok, now we’re ready to move on.

The real reason I was prompted to write this today is that I decided to check on the availability of some Obama websites. I made a list a while back of available websites, and now that he’s elected, I figured it would be interesting to see if any were taken. Here’s a sample:

• obama.cx - available
• obama.gd - taken
• obamabashers.com - taken
• obamarrific.com - taken
• hillaryin20016 - taken

I knew I would regret not investing in these while I had the chance. I guess I better grab obama.cx while I can.

But here’s what’s really interesting. The URL I was most surprised was available in the first place, or at least surprised could be purchased by anyone, was: AssassinateObama.com.

Now that Obama has been elected, do you think this one’s still available? Well, just take a look.

Yes, Obama has snagged that one himself. Not surprisingly, it seems that Obama’s webmaster is tracking hits to this URL, before redirecting potential Obama assassins to the real website to “share their feedback” and “help shape the movement”.

I’m no techie, but looking at the auto-complete feature in my Firefox browser, I see another URL that pops up when I try going back to the Barack Obama site:

http://www.barackobama.com/?c93512c0

I believe, although I can’t be sure, that this is the URL that assassinateobama.com points to, enabling Obama’s webmaster to run monthly web statistics on how many people were interested in reading the latest news and progress reports on Obama’s assassination in the past 30 days. I guess when they start seeing click-throughs coming in from the KKK, or, say, this site, then maybe they pick up the phone and call the Secret Service.

I have to say, this whole situation has me very depressed. Since even before Obama’s election, I had a dream of starting a website entitled, “Ass Ass in a Teoba ma”. This would have been a perfectly legitimate, peace-loving website devoted to user-submitted videos of people getting together, carving the image of God in a big tree trunk (big enough for two asses), sticking their asses into a hole in God’s cranium, taking a photo of themselves, and then videotaping the action as they unveiled the photo to one of two partners’ mothers.

Of course, in order to qualify for posting to the official website, both partners would have needed to scream, “Ass Ass in a Teoba, ma!” as they showed ma the photo. Anything else is just wannabe bullshit. They can submit those videos to assassinateobama.tv.

I should note that my website would have relied heavily on the relatively obscure term, “Teoba”, which (when used as a proper noun), means “God” in the language of the Irekei, a race of beings in the online role-playing game, Shadowclan. (It also seems to mean something along the lines of “repentance” in Croatian. Unfortunately, Google is not able to translate it, so you’ll need to deduce it from context.)

Before ending this, I feel the need to set the record straight about this whole “assassinateobama.com” thing. I can assure you that there is nothing to worry about. I do not plan, nor have I ever even considered the prospect of planning, the playing of the computer game, Shadowclan. I do occasionally play Guitar Hero, but that’s about as hard-core as I get. No Irekeis will be harmed.