We have achieved, in some of my favorite words from Archie Bunker, “a new high in low”. And, like the daily stock market reports, I have no doubt that today’s new high in low will be tomorrow’s old high in low.

This was an actual caption on CNN today:

“Automakers must work for money”

That’s right. Stay out of the way. Us Democrats are getting tough. (Picture a green jackass.)

We’re going to force GM, Ford, and Chrysler CEOs to do what no lowly, non-corporate welfare recipient has ever had to do. That’s right. These guys are going to have to sing, dance, and rape each other live on stage with used Japanese car parts (in a humorous, C-SPAN-friendly manner), and whoever’s ass comes out least ruptured, wins.

“Why, you, sir! Yes, you, with the single, shiny, glistening orb of blood on your backside. You, sir, are our winner! You have won America’s Top Beggar!”

Doing her California-style, jive-talking Cuba Gooding Jr. impersonation in white face, Nancy Pelosi said: “Until they show us the plan, we cannot show them the money.”

Ah, yes, the Modern American Dream. Rise to the top of your field, and:

(a) Beg
(b) Make someone beg

Take your pick. Just call what you’re doing “work”.

Think about the Orwellian/Randian/Twilight Zonian phraseology of the above caption. Congress promises to crack the whip that makes automakers “work” for money that is not earned, to be given by those who have not earned it, to be spent according to a fool-proof plan that guarantees the beggars won’t be back begging; a plan penned, might I add, by those whose plans have made them beggars in the first place. Oh, yeah. This is gonna turn out great.

And I don’t just mean this particular circus. I mean any circus produced by the people who brought you this circus. It’s all gonna turn out great. I am fully confident that my Congress, as well as my soon-to-be President, will produce every circus in an appropriately circus-like manner, and will consistently satisfy my exacting circus production standards.

But here’s what I want to know. Can’t we just throw these guys a bully stick (make sure you read that “Bully Sticks are 100% Bull penises” before making your purchase) and make them bark for their food? I don’t mean this metaphorically. I want to see Congress make these CEOs bark, beg, roll over, and play dead. I am not advocating anything cruel and unusual. These guys will do it. Have you seen what people do when they’re offered free shit? Trust me, they go fucking nuts.

Here’s a new reality show idea. Take the absolute, bar-none, magnificently horrible top failures in business, make them beg for bailouts, then let them compete to see whose companies are the first to go down in flames. It’ll be like Brewster’s Millions, the only difference being that Brewster was actually trying to make money.

And I don’t believe he boarded any private jets before the money was in his pocket.