Category — Culture Bashing (Roth)

Is it time yet to call Obama’s presidency a complete disaster? And by “disaster”, I don’t mean in the sense of accomplishing stuff, which for Obama’s agenda would be a disaster, but rather in the sense of “complete display of incompetence and utter failure on his own terms”? I say, doggonit, there’s reason to hope.

From where I stand, not only is Obama not getting stuff done, he’s bungling everything he touches and looking like a complete fucking buffoon at the same time. He’s like a clown juggling live jellyfish. And nothing could make me happier.

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Let’s see. The lone bomber tried to take down Northwest Airlines Flight 253 at approximately 11:10 AM EST. That would make it 6:10 AM HST (Hawaiian Standard Time). Given that Obama’s daughters are aged 11 and 8, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume they were already yapping about opening up their presents. (If Obama were your father, you’d be yapping, too.) Whatever Barbie car Sasha got this year, I can tell you it sure as fuck wasn’t an American car. A remote-controlled Bentley is what I’m thinking, and not some $78.99 model, either.

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When I think of Christmases of lore, I think of sugarplums dancing, reindeer laughing, wise men passing, and a barn full of farm animals made sweeter by the very first Christmas gift of all, not frankincense or myrrh, but the blessed diaper of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Indeed, thank those wise men for their gifts. I can’t see cinnamon and nutmeg, or even a can of pine tree-scented bathroom deodorant, doing the trick on the world’s first Christmas morning. This Kid’s Dad is omnipotent. Do you really think you’re capable of producing a worse smelling load?

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Let’s see, half the world is collapsing around me, and the thing that incites me to write is some inconsequential worm who bashes Ayn Rand.

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Hey, Obama. Just thinking about my morning commute.

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 Worth watching.

Here’s a measure of just how screwed up our culture and political systems are. The Republican’s secret weapon in the Sonia Sotomayor hearings is a firefighter named Frank Ricci. Frank Ricci, according to recent accusations, is a firefighter who will enter your burning house, see a sign that says “Kids’ room this way”, and then have to elblow his buddy to find out what the hell the words mean. [Read more →]

It’s 3:00 AM, Madam Secretary and Mr. President. What are you going to do about it?

We can’t let Earth Day become just another human fad. Like the Spanish Inquisition or the Holocaust.

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Outrage. That’s the only word to describe what I’m feeling right now. As of yet, President Obama has only announced plans to temporarily reverse his historic ban on human reproductive cloning for the purpose of implanting fetuses in each of his daughters, hatching two sets of Adolf Hitler octuplets, and allowing all sixteen Hitler youths to sodomize him publicly one at a time and in groups smack dab in the middle of Wrigley Field. Everybody knows Barack Obama is a White Sox fan. And what are the female Hitlers going to do? (For God’s sake, Mr. President, don’t ban aluminum bats just yet. For the sake of the children.)

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Unfortunately, it’s not an hour of silence. But from 8:30 until 9:30 on March 28, you can hope that environmentalists will keep their fucking mouths shut and consider the possibility of refraining from ever again using any energy for any purpose.

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As the economy shows signs of improvement (this week; who knows about next), one senator has already taken my suggestion to “save the newspapers”. Actually, Senator Cardin, I meant that as an ominous threat, I wasn’t actually trying to give you ideas.

When the federal government offers to help, be very afraid.

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Another company took the bait. Not that anyone had a problem with that. The problem was that top management was able to get some of the cheese out of the trap.

“I, Barack Husein Obama, am outraged by this behavior!” he says, his beautifully chiseled face turned upward in the direction of AIG executives, as if Michelangelo himself had discovered a way to turn a block of marble into a frozen, three-dimensional snapshot of monotony. You’ll have to excuse him if he looks like he’s not breathing. He’s “choked up with anger”.

Don’t you know, silly AIG mouse, that when the federal government serves you stolen cheese on a silver mousetrap, you’re supposed to eat it head-first?

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This is just classic. Teenage girls who take naked photos of themselves now face child porn charges. In this Greensburg, PA case, charges against three 14- and 15-year-old girls include “manufacturing” and “disseminating” child porn, and two 16- and 17-year-old boys (lucky enough to receive the photos) have been charged with possession. By now, I’m sure the boys have learned their lesson: delete after wanking.

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I already compared Nadya Suleman to Obama. (And I’m thankful that all the female chimpanzee mothers of eight didn’t take to the streets to protest me.) But Suleman represents much more than the POTUS, so I need to make one more comparison. (By the way, that’s “President of the United States”, not “Postpartum Octo-Torn Uterine Slut”.)

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Since the right-wing media have insisted on bringing this tragic but culturally irrelevant story to light, we at Save the Humans have reluctantly decided to respond officially for the public record. This will be our one and only mention of this story, after which time we will return to our regularly scheduled Muslim news, arts, and entertainment. (Please note that the Buzkashi meet-up is still scheduled for Saturday evening. Please let us know if you are able to provide the headless goat carcass.)

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“…the question I think the American people are asking is, do you just want government to do nothing, or do you want it to do something? If you want it to do something, then we can have a conversation. But doing nothing, that’s not an option from my perspective.”
– President Obama, Feb. 9, 2009

Mr. President, it all depends on what the meaning of “something” is. Since when did “something” only refer to American dollars and only come in denominations of one trillion?

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“Do you support your president?” That’s a question that’s been surfacing lately, and though I have a sneaking suspicion it’s being asked rhetorically, let me take a moment to answer it thoughtfully. Do I support your president?

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At least Nadya Suleman produced babies, and not a jar of piss or a brown smudge. But that’s just a technicality. It just means the checks she receives won’t come from the National Endowment of the Arts. The Nadya Suleman personal stimulus package will be postmarked with some other Washington, D.C. address.

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Australian writer and teacher Harry Nicolaides was sentenced in Thailand to three years in prison for writing a novel containing 12 lines of text deemed insulting to the king. [Read more →]

The number of words in Barack Obama’s presidential inauguration address was 2,412. Here it is in 666.

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Let’s move beyond the obvious historical aspect of the inauguration of Barack Obama to the office of President of the United States. (That his inauguration will rob thousands of decent men from becoming the first black president.) Let’s get to the important stuff. Like whether the event is “an” historic event or “a” historic event. (I’m going to assume you understand why it’s not a/an “historical” event.) [Read more →]

Immediately after Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced his appointee to Obama’s ex-Senate seat, bam! Obama comes out in favor of principle: whoever Blagojevich might or might not have appointed, Obama is adamantly in favor of the Senate Democrat decision to reject “any” appointment by Blagojevic. I live right next to New Jersey, and even I can smell the corruption. (And I say that as proud ex-New Jersean.)

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Posts will increase soon (as per a New Year’s Resolution), but in the meantime, here’s a photo that touched me in almost a religious sort of way. (Just realized that Yahoo’s photo links don’t work consistently. So, to spoil the surprise, it’s the photo of the flattened Gaza mosque.)

What race are movie presidents going to be now? I dare say this conundrum was the most overlooked issue of the 2008 Presidential campaign. [Read more →]

Don’t worry, folks. It’s not like al-Qaida is still trying to kill us. [Read more →]

I’m getting a little worried.

On this, the anniversary of the assassination of John F. Kennedy, I feel it is my responsibility to update everyone on the prospect of the assassination of Barack Obama. I’m referring, of course, to character assassination by way of Internet. Although, let’s face it, character assassination is to Barack Obama like physical assassination is to a JFK mannequin. There’s not much there to be assassinated, and about as much brains at risk of splattering. [Read more →]

We have achieved, in some of my favorite words from Archie Bunker, “a new high in low”. And, like the daily stock market reports, I have no doubt that today’s new high in low will be tomorrow’s old high in low.

This was an actual caption on CNN today:

“Automakers must work for money”

That’s right. Stay out of the way. Us Democrats are getting tough. (Picture a green jackass.) [Read more →]

Just reflecting on this year’s passing of Anheuser-Busch to European InBev. [Read more →]

Here’s my hope: that Obama changes. That he pulls a George Costanza and does the opposite. [Read more →]

I must say, I think what I just felt was exhilaration. I haven’t done something that felt so right in a long time.

Here’s the election booth:

Here’s a crappy photo of my vote: [Read more →]

In a sense, I am “the undecided” in the 2008 US Presidential Election. I remain undecided on whether I will write in the viscerally more satisfying “Fuck You”, or just the boring but infinitesimally more effective “None of the Above” (someone may actually tally it). However, I have recently reinforced my confidence in voting for nobody. I am “decided”. I have decided that neither of these buffoons will get my vote. [Read more →]

I may have just found a reason to vote against somebody.

“The Oakland police last faced big riots in 2003 when the Raiders lost to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in the Super Bowl. Officials are bracing themselves in case residents of Oakland take Obama’s loss badly.“

- Alexander Bolton, Police prepare for unrest

Riots. How funny would that be? [Read more →]

I finally imagined a scenario in which I would vote for either Barack Obama or John McCain. It would have to be a scenario that allowed me to add value to the process. One that didn’t leave me thinking I was just choosing the equal of two evils. I realized what that scenario was while watching the final debate: an election that allowed me to vote for one candidate’s death. [Read more →]

I emailed this to my congressman today. [Read more →]

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Here I go again. Microanalyzing idiots to decide which one will be less bad for me. Ah, yes, it’s the run-up to the Presidential Election. [Read more →]

This is how it looked on September 12, 2001, from the New Jersey side of the Hudson River. [Read more →]

An American Carol