Classifieds #11
by Aaron Kendall
August 9, 2008 at 3:58 pm
- Former presidential candidate and popular environmental activist seeks way to combat backlash. Seems pushing biofuels has also depleted food supply. Need quick suggestions for food alternates. Really interested in this “manna” thing the Bible talks about.
- Former Cold War superpower in nationwide search for men with longest hren. Must have the stamina to walk miles alongside missiles in national parade, with hren hanging out for world to see our great superiority.
- Cynic about music looking for appropriate forum to rescind decade-old comment about decline of music. Music of today makes Creed and Goo Goo Dolls look like fucking Rolling Stones.
- Robot icon from 1980s looking to employ the services of shady characters with experience in disposing of individuals. Didn’t get hit by lightning bolt and become sentient so that this little Wall-E shit can steal my spotlight.
- Current mayor of largest city in country and self-made billionaire looking for additional ways to impose personal lifestyle choices on fellow residents of city. Compulsory attendance of Broadway shows has already been contemplated.
- In spirit of World Laughter Day, seeking people to help start new holiday of healing. World Masturbation Day is sure to be big hit but probably a little more messy. Current launch target is northern India. They seem up for anything.
- Federal agency looking for answers as to why recent raid on Texas polygamist compound did not result in huge blaze that consumed all inside. Need names of those guilty for going against protocol.
- Evil sorcerer interviewing pest control services who have high marks. Have used every device imaginable to get rid of these little blue bastards. Next-door neighbor has similar problem with things called Fraggles. Both cat and dog are fucking useless.
- Lobbyist group in Washington interested in making connections with legislators. Seeking to further clients’ agenda of creating new set of auditing laws. New auditing needed to supervise those who enforce SOX and HIPAA. Hoping to create enough red tape to choke shit out of country.
- New game studio recruiting new developers in order to create new line of “Symphony Hero” musical games, complete with French Horn controller. Current prototype of “Conductor Hero” already a hit in China.
- American activist group accepting new members to push new campaign after passing of inevitable national healthcare plan. New agenda called “Every Human Has the Right Not to Be Dead” will place the onus of death on every doctor. Will require medical community to stop death by certain date. Lack of funds, technology, or medical reality not an excuse.
- Money markets manager seeking investors for bold new ploy for investment. Three-point strategy to hopefully bump up U.S. dollar. First step is to convert all liquid assets into Chuck E. Cheese coins, in order to corner the market. Third step is profit.
- Comedy show hiring writers with the prowess to create skits like SNL “Drink Your Milkshake” skit. Was funniest skit ever. Even better than skits with Mary Catherine Gallagher.
- New radical environment activists forming group to stop colorphobia and spread awareness of plants that are not green. Looking to spread fact that using “Think Green” is hate speech.
Home » classifieds » Classifieds #11
1 comment
Single White Female, 14, blonde. Seeking older man to meet for sex. Please bring donuts and coffee.
Leave a Comment