Aaron Kendall enlightens you on the state of things to be.

• In China, the economic situation will continue to improve, despite the slowing global economy. Of course, the Happiness Index (otherwise known as the “Extravagant Bourgeois Emotion Index”) will continue to decline, especially after the candy recall. After an investigation which will cost a considerable sum of money (with half of it spent on greyhound racing and whores in Macau), it will be discovered that factory operators had decided to fill the nutritional requirements of the candy (like iron) by filling the candy mixture with dull razor blades from the local landfill. The owner of the candy factory will be given a fair trial, where he can either enter a plea of death by mutilation or death by beating. He will choose the latter, and everyone will be happy. Or else.
• In Russia, President Medvedev and Prime Minister Putin will develop a routine to play the “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine with Europe over oil output from Russia. Unfortunately for Europe, though, this routine is a bit different from the West: Putin will punch Europe in the balls for hours, and afterwards, Medvedev will slap his cock in Europe’s face for the next three days. In addition, Russia will continue in its attempts to annex the Arctic seabed, in order to stake oil deposits. However, it will regard its symbolic placements of the national flag on the seabed as weak and fruitless. So, instead, at the end of every week, they will send submarines with colored hulls (along with their respective crews) to the bottom, arranging them into one gigantic Russian flag. Of course, the crews will not know that the submarines won’t be coming back to the surface, but upon arriving at the bottom and being told of their collective death, most crews will simply shrug their shoulders and light up some cigarettes in response, expecting as much being in the Russian navy.
• The country of Iceland will declare bankruptcy, placing a “For Sale” sign in its front yard. Nobody will buy it for a few months, but finally, Björk will buy it for the equivalent of one million American dollars. Consequently, she will decorate the entire country like the set of her 1993 music video for “Human Behaviour”; by random assignment, each citizen will be required to wear either a hunter outfit, a princess dress, or a giant, walking teddy bear costume (with or without a burning American flag). Björk will appoint Lars Von Trier as her Czar of Entertainment and Tori Amos as her Secretary of Puffy Clouds, and she will offer the nomination of Secretary of Puppies and Kittens to Sarah McLachlan (who will decline the offer).
•  In Europe, the economic situation will become more intense as their financial systems continue to decline. The French president Sarkozy will dump his current wife and model Carla Bruni, and after Hugh Hefner’s death, Sarkozy will inherit Hefner’s harem and empire as it is revealed that Hefner is his actual father. Sarkozy will have lavish parties as he accepts the mantle of international playboy. At a party thrown for the new country of Candyland (which is the new name for Iceland, given by Queen Björk), Sarkozy will order an extravagant amount of beer from Germany, but the cost will exceed France’s GDP. France will then lean on Italy in order to get a loan back from last year. Italy will offer to pay in now-defunct lira, and France will spit in Italy’s face. A fight will break out, and as the expected finale of the European Union, that will be the beginning of World War III. The United Kingdom will remain on the sidelines, laughing. Consequently, Barack Obama will benefit from this incident, paving the way to isolationist policies and his place in history (as explained below).
•  In the Middle East, Israel will become tired of decades of violence, and the entire country will convert to Islam. Since some of the rituals and customs between Judaism and Islam are similar, the transition will be smoother than expected, especially when Jewish parents are told that they will still be able to instill guilt and fear into future generations of their children. Consequently, with no central figure to share their hatred, Hamas and Hezbollah will organize a meeting with other geopolitical terrorist groups, in order to agree on a new target to terrorize and to blow the fuck out of with their bomb-strapped children. The PLF will nominate Jordan, but everybody will laugh at them, shooting spitballs and telling them to get over Black September. Instead, Hamas and Hezbollah will nominate the Red Sea, since supposedly “there’s some Jewish stuff at the bottom”. Everyone will accept the nomination, and for generations hence, scores of explosive-covered Islamic children will jump off cliffs in order to ignite and extinguish the Zionist body of water.
•  In Africa, things will suck, more or less as they have since the beginning of time. Though, they will invent the wheel (again), but they will mistake it for a woman and castrate it, leaving them without the wheel (again).
•  In Cuba, after having left his country in the hands of his spry, 76-year-old brother Raul, Fidel Castro will decide to go on a vacation and watch the movie “Che” at a designated location, where he will meet Hugo Chavez. The two of them will share fond memories from their life, and they will confess to each other about certain wishes that never came true. Together, the two will create their own “bucket list”, and they will help each other to accomplish them before they die. Castro will build and hold an effigy of Uncle Sam, which Chavez will sodomize with utter joy. In return, Chavez will dress in appearance as Che Guevera, and finally able to relive a past love, Castro will then sodomize him.
•  In the United States, Barack Obama will use the war in Europe as a precursor to his eventual four-term run in the White House. As a first step, in order to emulate his hero Franklin Roosevelt, Obama will smash his own legs with a crowbar, in order to require the use of a wheelchair. Of course, he will still play basketball, and eventually, he will attempt and then dominate the game of murderball. After the U.S. banking system has been nationalized, Obama will create a mandatory new feature for every bank ATM called “Obama-rama!”. Basically, this feature will convert every ATM into a slot machine, where the only access to your checking account will be turned into a new, fun way to gamble with your own money. Healthcare will also be nationalized, and much like the “Obama-rama!” solution, a new machine will be provided across the United States called “Operation”. Literally, in every town, a gigantic replica of the classic Operation board game will provide a horizontal kiosk (placed next to the rocket ride near the Walmart entrance) and surgical tools on the behalf of any participating patient; there, any patient can lie in wait for the good will of a curious child, who will cut his guts open and fix him up. However, the patient will have to wear the customary red light bulb on his nose, and he will have to make the necessary “beep” noise when the child cuts his spleen instead of his heart. After four terms as President, at the height of his popularity for removing every economic freedom and leading the country into a bloody fight against Sarkozy and his harem, Obama will tell a horror-stricken Bruce Willis that he was once known as Mr. Glass and that he finally knows his purpose in life.